Wednesday, May 23, 2018

. . . tough times ahead . . .


we are coming into the 6th day of Ramadhan (1439/2018). so far so good. missed one day (not accidental) as my heart turned dark that particular day. still, compared to last year, this is probably the farthest i have gotten to so far.

both the girls, mama bear and baby bear snoring sweetly and myself, pondering on every ponders that are pondered and pondered as per my usual self ponders when pondering the ponders pondered.

my head and shoulders feel heavy as the days come passing by. the sentence reverberates in the deep bowels of my mind: the older, the more responsibilities. probably i mentioned before but its best to say it again. for my own sake and probably yours (if you choose to ponder my ponders): life doesn't come with a manual guide.

i like the malay saying too: "rambut sama hitam, hati lain-lain". altho nowadays its better said that all hairs and hearts are different. minds... minds are on a different level.

i seem to land myself in different levels of stupidity. day in day out. so much so that sometime i feel like i am failing my own family. what was once a solid pillar, is now slowly and painfully crumbling. my mind and my heart never ceases to worry. people around me slowly suffocating me without them even putting their hands on my throat.

i thought this ramadhan might lighten my burden... today it seems, nothing has changed. i am angry at the fact that patient, silent, loyal... humble ones usually take the brunt. am i saying i am selfish to think so that i say i am the victim? when others turn their cheek, yes i do think so.

yet i push on. eagerly diving to the next frying pan full of hot oil, burning and torturing myself. i somehow believe i am never meant to have a good time. hard as it seems, i accept.

i haven't died yet. so i'll carry on.

do you judge me and think that i am wrong? do you know me well? good for you.